Why is it hard to let go of anxiety? Part 2.
In Part 1 of this blog I summarized some of the latest discoveries of this condition we call anxiety.
I described anxiety in a way that you may not be familiar with, that anxiety is a protector and that is one of the reasons that is so hard to let go and to heal it.
Protector? How so? You may ask.
Anxiety is a state of alarm in the body, a constant state of vigilance for those who struggle with chronic anxiety. You may experience that by spending a lot of time worrying, predicting, preparing for the worse to come. In other words, you have the need to control in order to avoid uncertainty.
“Uncertainty is the enemy for those with chronic anxiety.”
Anxiety is the “friend” who will do anything it can to protect you from the pain of experiencing uncertainty. Where does that protector come from?
Let’s go back to childhood…
We don’t need big “T” trauma to develop anxiety. All we need is an environment where there is a lot of stress. The stress that drives a parent or both (or the main care taker) to be unpredictable. The father may have a short temper, the mother may yell at you for no reason, or they may have a very stressful marriage. In my case, my mother was stressed, she really didn’t want to be married to my father or have a child with him. He was psychologically abusive and could not hold a job, so she had a lot of anxiety. I was swimming in stress hormones in uterus, which made me very sensitive to anxiety, so for 9 years, until they divorced, I was exposed to a lot of stress. And more came with the divorce…story for another time.
Stressful homes means many times unpredictability, uncertainty and as little children, that is too stressful in the system, so we develop a brilliant survival strategy - high vigilance, worry and control. Here is an illustration of the child in stress:
“If I can control my environment by pleasing my parents, being a good girl/boy and forgetting my needs I may be able to control their emotions, make them happy. That way I don’t have to suffer the pain of uncertainty.”
That of course happens behind the scenes, in the unconscious mind of the child. That is how our imprints, patterns and programs get wired in us. They are survival strategies, they helped us to live with neglect, disconnection, abuse and uncertainty. We would not have survived without the survival strategies. These strategies become our protective parts.
As children, we do anything to feel safe and connected to our parents, including suppressing our needs, emotions and authenticity. This suppression is the root of depression, anxiety and most dis-eases.
The good news about this is that we have more the power to heal and restore health in the body/mind processes. Healing beings with us re-connecting with the truth, our essence, the wounded child. That connection starts in the body, in the unconscious mind where those past programs are.
There is no short cut to eliminate anxiety. It is not a pill, not few therapy sessions, not one psychedelic journey or daily breath work that will get you to “overcome” anxiety.
There is nothing to overcome or get rid off. We need to befriend our anxiety.
Befriending your anxiety means to first understand why is there, why you developed this pattern in your childhood. Anxiety, like all conditions is a process in the body/mind, not a disease.
You don’t have anxiety, you have a pattern of anxious thoughts, an addiction to worry. It is a pattern, a program ingrained in your nervous system that had a function in your childhood.
“You are not your thoughts!”
It is the program in your unconscious mind that is running the show, because it is still a child, like a part that gets frozen inside us. That part believes that you are in danger and it will try to control everything, so you don’t deal with uncertainty.
The “protector” part in you believes that:
Anxiety keeps me safe
Worrying gives me a sense of control
Anxiety helps me to perceive certainty in my life
Anxiety protects me from feeling pain
And last, one I will explore on the next blog, anxiety helps me to have a sense of worth and importance.
You see the dilemma now? How do we let go of this protector?
First you knowledge that you no longer need that part because you are not a child anymore. The protector part still treats you like a child. We can’t just get rid of that part, we heal that part, we work with it.
How to start befriending anxiety:
Awareness
Dis-identify from anxiety, “I am not anxiety, I am not my thoughts.” Observe your thoughts.
Breath
Bring yourself to the present moment. “I am safe”. Connect with your surrounding and your body.
Compassion & Curiosity
Listen to that part and your inner child. Explore what their needs are. Tend to them. (Work with a coach or therapist who understands Internal Family Systems model)
Direct your focus and attention
Become conscious of your thoughts and redirect them towards the reality of the present moment. Interrupt the pattern.
I created the steps in an alphabetical order to help you memorize them.
If you simply start with the first two steps, you will notice a difference in your body, the alarm feeling will go down. Give it a try!
Peace and love, Alex.