The madness of validation seeking
What I call madness is the anxieties of our society, the constant chase for validation and the rumination in the mind about what others think.
I caught myself in this madness before. I know what it feels like and where it all comes from and if we don’t deal with it, it drives us to madness, drama and unnecessary pain.
Here are some common signs of validation seeking:
Will she call me? Will he like my Facebook post? Will my boss recognize my efforts?
Will she swipe right? (The “I like you” on dating apps for those who don’t know)
Will I hit that goal? I have to get that car. I have to get more clients. I need to get into a relationship… and the list of madness goes on.
During coaching and healing sessions, when I hear my clients saying what they need and want desperately, I always ask:
“What will that give you and what happens if you don’t get that?” They may say satisfaction, happiness, peace, freedom or the lack of those if they don’t have what they want.
It is deeper than that.
What is underneath your over drive to achieve goals so you get the validation that you are successful?
What is underneath the addictive habit of giving to others so you get the validation that you are good and your are liked?
What is underneath the anxious mind ruminating on what your boyfriend said to validate if you are loved and sexy enough?
I can give you many answers, and the core of this need is always the same - a sense of WORTH.
You are seeking validation, a proof that you are worthy, that you matter and that you are important.
There is another deeper layer. You want to know and truly feel that you are worthy of LOVE.
It is all about love, that is the line of many songs. And it is about Love, except it is not about this ego centered, possessive, Hollywood fairy tale love.
It is the essence of Love, that you are Love by just being your authentic self.
In the last few months I have dived deeper into my spiritual work. Not because I wanted to be “more” spiritual. I dove deeper because I am a seeker, I am curious and I wanted to understand my own struggles deeper. I wanted to understand where my need for validation was really coming from.
During many hours of sitting in meditation and feeling my emotions I realized that what we ALL want is LOVE, we want to feel connected with our hearts, with our Self. We lost that connection long ago, that is trauma, there is a disconnect from our essence.
We want to return to our essence!
The loss of our essence left us with a hole. We have been searching for ways to fill that hole inside us, we have been searching outside instead of inside. That hole is a wound, an imprinted hurt that we experienced when we were not seen, not heard, not validated by our parents/caretakers.
As a child we have a deep need for attention and validation, like the need for food and water. The validation is a mirror to the child. She develops her associations and beliefs based on what the parents are mirroring back to her.
If a child only gets attention and validation when she accomplishes something she learns that she needs to “do” in order to be loved and accepted. And if she expresses an upset or what we call bad behavior of not doing something right, she is punished by having the attention and validation taken away. In other words the parent withdraws love, not truly, but that is what the child perceives. Because the child can’t handle that, she will develop personalities, do anything in order to get attention, validation and love. She abandons herself, she loses her essence. (concepts of the ego)
Let’s bring this to our present adult life.
By seeking validation, we are trying to repair that hole inside us. The issue is that we will not repair that by seeking external validation. Quite the opposite, we will make that hole bigger and we will feel disempowered. Imagine giving you the power to determine if I am worthy or not? That is what we do unconsciously when we worry about what others think and say about us.
In the next blog I will share few approaches to help you with the “repairing”, healing this wound that most of us have.
For now, think about the areas in your life that you are still seeking validation, or what gives you that sense of worth. Is it money, “likes” on Facebook, texts from your boyfriend, sex, dating apps, goal achievements, obsession on body image…
Think about what you associate with your sense of worth and love, you will have some insights.
We start healing by seeing the truth and by becoming aware of our patterns, habits and addictions.
The path of self knowledge is one that I believe everyone needs to take in oder to have freedom and true empowerment.
One of the best quotes for me is “Know thyself” - greek philosophers.
Much love, Alex.
“We need love for our spiritual growth.” A. H. Almaas