Why do we feel more isolated and disconnected?
I was having a casual conversation with a client few weeks ago and she asked: Why is so hard to meet and sustain connection with people these days?
That question got me thinking.
I came up with quick answers at the surface level and there is truth in these quick responses.
Most people are always rushing, busy, stressed and in survival mode
Most people have their eyes down on their phones instead of making eye contact
Most women at the age 35-50 are preoccupied with their kids
I was not satisfied with those answers. I started thinking deeper about this disturbing issue.
I started a mission, to find out more why we are not connecting and meeting people like we used to before Covid.
I am putting Covid as a reference point. We could take this conversation to a place in history before technology, but I think is more relevant to explore this problem regarding the most recent “trauma” we faced as a collective.
To start this mission I sat with few friends who are very aware and awake and I found some interesting pointers to the why we don’t connect deeper and why so many people are feeling isolated.
Here is the summary of what I have found so far.
1. We don’t feel safe
Covid times amplified the sense of “I am not safe” for many people. People who were already struggling with fear related to trust, closeness and social engagements became even more fearful.
The message all day long in the news was very strong - “Don’t be with people, they may make you sick and you may even die.”
That sounds dramatic and you know well the media was pushing this message hard. “Stay home, don’t go out, don’t hug, don’t share hands, don’t get close.”
2. I can’t tell you the truth
The vaccine became an issue. Friends and family judged, shamed another and even “kicked” the loving one out the tribe unless they got the shot. People lost their jobs, lost friends, lost faith on each other.
This was so hurtful for so many. Best friends turned on each other, mothers on sons, and daughters. Peers that we thought had the same values around health and freedom changed and became very judgmental. I experienced this myself. I was in deep connection with couple of my friends until the question about the shot came up, the tone changed, the conversation changed, we disconnected.
Trust and safety are lost when we can’t be honest.
3. People get offended so easily
The issues around racism, vaccination, gender identifications and politics became highly polarized. People walk on egg shells around each other. That creates anxiety a and lack of safety within our relationships. In other words, all of the sudden being around friends/family became stressful, no longer a place of joy, love, connection and safety.
The constant thinking about what to say for fear of offending someone is exhausting.
4. We stoped listening to each other
The polarization became so bad that we could not just have a conversation about our different ideas and learn from each other. True connection carries compassion and curiosity. Can we get curious instead of judgmental? It is a choice.
In a state of curiosity and compassion we say things like “tell me more”, or “talk to me about your beliefs behind that decision”. In a state of fear and separation we judge, we shame, we react. We make others wrong.
This is ego driven, not heart-love driven.
5. “We” versus “They”
The separation gap became wider. The choices about our own health, our own bodies became the issue of others. When we meet someone new, we have to careful ask “what side are you in” so we know what to say, what to share. This is biology kicking in saying “Am I safe with this person?” And we are talking about simply having a conversation, it should not be a safety issue.
If you gave become highly sensitive to these issues, I invite you to address what is underneath that. Most likely you will find unresolved fear and anger.
As you read this you may say, these issues have always existed. Yes, and they got amplified, louder which is in a way good, so we know we have a problem as a society and stop denying it.
The issue is one - FEAR.
Fear separates us.
From the beginning of the pandemic times I realized that “The real virus is fear”.
We are living the post pandemic times now and we are dealing with tremendous social and psychological collateral damage.
There is more isolation, therefore more depression, drug abuse and suicides.
There is more mistrust, therefore less connection and more separation.
There is more unresolved fear, grief and anger, therefore more disease.
All sounds dark and gloomy. It is dark and that is ok. As we acknowledge the darkness together, we start aiming our light on it and change becomes possible.
WE MUST DO OUR PART TO END THE POLARIZATION and SEPARATION
Let’s start adulting! These reactions of anger and fear that I mentioned are trauma responses.
Our society is a society of unresolved childhood issues. So to start addressing this giant problem, we need to heal.
If I react to your choice of getting a vaccine, if I react to you voting for someone I don’t like, if I react to any of your ideas, guess what? It is my issue, not yours.
We need to start taking responsibility for our own reactions and emotions, and not make about anyone else.
LET’S RECONNECT, WE NEED EACH OTHER!
How to start?
Address your wounds and unresolved past issues that left anger, rage, grief, fear imprinted in you. Start freeing yourself from old emotions and limiting beliefs.
Be intentional about connecting with others. Put your phone away, be present and attuned. Be interested and curious.
Seek connection. Be bold and talk to strangers, ask a friend for coffee, go back to the gym, to the yoga studio, to gatherings. Get out there and open your heart.
When around polarized conversations, ask questions with sincere curiosity. Check with yourself and make sure you are not morticing or judging.
Listen. Practice the art of listening. Everyone wants to be heard. Being heard and being seen create safety.
Get out there! People want connection and many don’t know anymore how to get it. Be the role model.
Say hello, listen, learn and hug more.
Much love, Alex.
P.S.: A thank you to Anne, Rob, Nicole D. And Nicole O. for the awesome insights and deep conversations. Love you guys.
“We need love for our spiritual growth.” A. H. Almaas