From Hurting to Healing
“The root of our hurt holds the key of our healing”.
How do we move from hurting to healing?
What I describe as hurt is that uncomfortable feeling of sadness, anger, disappointment. We experience these heated emotions in our bodies that take over our brain and our bodies.
In this emotional state, we often find ourselves caught in a cycle of rumination, self-justification, and judgment toward others. We want he/she to fix, to mend that for us so we can go back to balance and calm.”
“We want he/she to fix that for us so we can go back to balance and calm.” Let me translate this in the language of our wound or the younger self:
“I need you to make me feel safe again because this situation reminds me the times I felt abandoned, hurt, neglected, unseen, unheard….”
Dr. Gabor Maté says that when we are upset, it is rarely, if ever about the present moment. In the upset, our emotions are rarely rooted in the present moment; instead, they are rooted in our past. In my work we call this baggage.
There is a distinction between emotions that are about the current situation versus emotions that are rooted in the past. That is a body member that got triggered. Upset means tat our baggage or old memories got activated.
Basically, upset is a state that signals we are no longer in the present; we fail to perceive the complete truth of the situation in that particular moment. This realization is both valid and crucial because, with awareness, we can make empowered choices on how to proceed, ultimately fostering healing, repair, and connection.
In this state, we interpret a straightforward situation through the filters of our narratives, expectations, memories, and models. All these elements are facets of our unconscious mind. They remain veiled from our awareness as we react. Reacting represents an automatic response, devoid of intellectual thought or reasoning. It occurs as we shift from our forebrain cortex to our hindbrain reptilian brain, transitioning from a sense of safety to perceiving a threat before conscious thought can take shape. This defines the state of being upset - we go into a flight or flight stress response.
In personal growth and emotional healing, we acquire methods to break this reaction pattern. To do so, we must comprehend our worldview or how we perceive the world.
The way I see the world differs from your perspective or that of your partner. Who is correct? Who is incorrect? These are questions the ego often raises during conflicts. However, in reality, no one is definitively right or wrong.
Perception is interpretation. The work involves having the courage, curiosity, and compassion to explore the origins of our models and to transform, transcend, and become the person we aspire to be.
Be a Witness
To start moving from hurting to healing you can try this this self-inquiry: (I recommend a journal)
What happened? Ex: My partner didn’t call, didn’t text me last night.
What d0 I feel? Sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety, grief, guilt, fear, hurt.
How Am I interpreting this situation? My partner does no care about me, he makes no time for me.
What else can be true? Consider possibilities.
Seek the Truth
Perception can hold the truth and can hold the deception. You have to consider both. Your heart knows what is true.
In addition to utilizing self-inquiry, to transition from hurt to healing, you must pause, slow down, and consider requesting time if you find yourself in the midst of an argument. Once you enter your hindbrain, everything tends to be perceived as a threat. You might react by defending or attacking, running, or shutting down. This is commonly known as the fight-flight-freeze stress response.
I am a firm believer that the strategy of PAUSING and WITNESSING has the potential to improve, and perhaps even save, relationships. It possesses the power to heal us because it allows us to uncover what truly lies beneath our upset – that energy, those old memories that trigger our reactions. All we need is to communicate from our authentic truth, from our hearts.
The language of the heart is Love, always. Love is fierce, Love is truthful, Love is resilient, and Love is compassionate.
This is Love in action. Love possesses its own language, and it resides within our hearts, complete with an entire vocabulary.
With much love and courage,
Alex.